Chronicles of Alien Development — Halfway

This weekend marks 21 weeks on the pregnancy journey. Halfway there.

This whole experience reminds me so much of training for a half marathon. I’ve always digested long runs in to segments — quarter of the way there, halfway there, one mile left, SPRINT. My training runs were almost always on an out and back greenway, so halfway was not only a mile marker, but also a turning point. I literally had to turn around and run back. It was always my favorite part of the run.

There’s something about knowing you’ve come halfway, shocking yourself that you made it this far, and grateful that there’s only a half left. Every time I approached the turning point, I thought about the journey there — what I left behind, what I gave up, what I accomplished. When I made that hard pivot, my focus immediately shifted to the run back — what was ahead of me, what challenges I would face, what motivation I needed to finish. And let’s be honest, what carbohydrate-laden breakfast I planned to scarf down.

I haven’t run more than three miles in a hot minute, and my “hard pivots” are dangerous for anyone standing close less they be unintentionally accosted by the belly I still forget I have. But I’ve engaged in the same mental gymnastics with this turning point, and it seems prudent to capture those thoughts here.

What I left behind, gave up, accomplished:

1. Morning sickness — thank the sweet baby Jesus! I’ve never been so thrilled to give up ginger ale in my life!
2. Constant fear — that I would miscarry, that there wouldn’t be a heartbeat, that our genetic tests would be abnormal. Fear is exhausting, and it dampens any attempt at excitement. I’m looking forward to being excited.
3. Knowing myself when I look in the mirror — who the hell is that?!? I feel like Gwyneth Paltrow in Shallow Hal, except my belly is permanently attached and my chin hasn’t started eating my neck…yet. It’s unnerving to feel like yourself but discover daily you look like someone else entirely.
4. Staying healthy — Despite the morning sickness and the fatigue, I’ve maintained a steady 4–5 day workout regimen since I got pregnant. I’ve figured out how to run (2 minute slower per mile pace), I’ve developed a deep appreciation for cardio done while sitting (spin class), and I’ve learned there is nothing people love more than a baby bump in a yoga class.
5. Alcohol and more than one cup of coffee — This remains a sad state of affairs, but it’s taught me how much I rely on both things for socialization. Without wine goggles, I’ve rediscovered listening and the power of observation. And yes, drunk people do eventually piss me off, but the Bachelor-like dramas I see play out before reaching that point are priceless entertainment.

The second half of this pregnancy is now before me. It’s time to shift my focus, to prepare for what will undoubtedly be a long journey to the parking lot. From where I sit, here’s what I have to look forward to:

1. Heartburn, back pain, and swelling — I mean, can they make it sound any more appealing? Like any distance runner, I imagine I’ll do a reset on my defintion of “normal”. I used to run with chronic knee pain, nagging side stitches, and serious butt chaffage. I wore a tendonitis band, read books on proper breathing, and bought Body Glide by the case. I never stopped running though. So bring on the Tums, Belly Band, and anti-diuretics!
2. Increased discharge — I have to hand it to The Bump, they make this one sound like a two-fer. Free lube now that you actually feel like having sex again! Woohoo! The fact that I will need to invest in panty liners for the next year of my life seems to be lost on them.
3. Feeling the alien kick — Our alien is moving. We know that. It’s a verifiable pool party in there. But I can’t feel it, STILL. I can’t wait to get kicked in the ribs. Share the fun, little one. Your parents are rock stars at pool parties!
4. Peeing. All the time. — Looking at a bottle of water makes my bladder hurt. Don’t ask me where I’m going — it’s always to the bathroom.
5. Figuring out what kind of baby crap we need — I feel like college did me wrong. I do not remember the semester long course on baby crap, and that’s what it would take to understand all this, an entire semester. It is daunting, overwhelming, and WAY beyond my comfort zone. We currently have a box of diapers, a swingy chair, a Boppy AND a Bumpo (Hallelujah!). But the only thing on my Amazon baby registry is the Baby Keurig bottle maker (it’s not really called that, but that’s what it is). I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up with 5 of them and no crib. #winning
6. Delivery — Never has a life event held such momentous allure and horror all at the same time. My husband is terrified I will recreate a scene from the Exorcist, although he’s not-so-secretly hoping I’ll poop during delivery for reasons only he understands. I’m fully aware it’s gonna hurt, despite everyone feeling the need to remind me, but I’m prepping like I would for a race — right training, right gear, right nutrition. That shit hurt too. Beyond that, I’m kinda looking forward to what new obscenity I’m going to create in the heat of the moment. Don’t worry, I’ll absolutely share it. And the picture of my poop.
7. Saying hello to my son or daughter — Wow. Just wow. Even writing that is overwhelmingly awesome. What motivation will I need to get through the next 19 (fingers crossed people) weeks? That. Just that.

It’s not yet the final countdown, but it is the turning point. There’s work left to do, pain yet to be experienced, and a gourmet all-you-can eat pancake breakfast waiting just across the finish line. I’ve tossed back some fizzy water and a few Fig Newtons. I’ve got my second wind. Let’s finish this people!